Archive for ‘2010’

From an event that took place on October 3, 2009. I'm posting this for the benefit of someone who might need to read it.

While on my way to a friend’s birthday dinner yesterday evening I was suddenly thrust in to someone else’s troubled life against my will.

It was 5:45pm and I was headed South on Park Blvd towards the freeway when it all went down. That stretch of road is always very crowded with parked cars, parking cars, and foot traffic from people crossing the street at every place other than the cross walks. Naturally it’s important to keep an eye out for people running out in to traffic as they try to get to their cars. So when this man (I was guessing to be in his young 20’s) looked like he was gonna run in to the street in front of me I slowed down. He then retreated back away from the street so I let off of the break only to see him emerge again. Only this time he jumped on the ground and pushed his way in to the middle of my lane forcing me to slam on the breaks and jerk the steering wheel so that I landed in the (thankfully) open left lane. I barely missed running over that guy’s head.

Looking on the rearview mirror I saw that he was up and moving around and I was sure that I didn’t even touch him with my car. I had enough time to drive about 100ft before I decided that I wasn’t gonna let this go so I made an illegal u-turn and went back to let the guy have it. For anybody who knows me this is something that is not in my character. At least not very often. When that part of my character does come out it’s almost never a good thing because it will probably result in me getting my face punched or getting body-slammed against a car. But when the adrenaline is pumping and my need for letting someone know what I think kicks in there’s not gonna be any slowing me down.

I parked across the street from where the guy was only to find that he was trying to throw himself in front of someone else’s car. This time it was a green Honda. The fact that he was doing it again triggered a thought that this wasn’t some kid trying to play a prank and cause an accident or get his kicks from this as I originally thought. No, he was seriously trying to do some harm to himself. Add to that the yelling of the teenagers around him calling him “stupid” and “crazy” and you’ve got a situation which is definitely not going to end well. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do to this guy when I reached him, and I definitely wasn’t sure what he was going to do.

At this point only a minute had passed from the time that I first saw him to the time that I was running across Park to get in this guy’s face. My initial thought, as I said before, was that this guy was just being a jerk and trying to cause an accident, so I started yelling at him before I even set foot on the sidewalk. He had moved back from the sidewalk about 30ft and was standing alone as I started yelling at him, “what the fuck’s wrong with you?!” He just stood there even though it looked like I was gonna tear his head off. I’m yelling questions at him like, “you’re having a bad life so you’re gonna ruin mine by throwing yourself in front of my car? You’re gonna expose all of these people, all of these little kids to your own death because of some selfish need that you have to end your life?!” The first time I swore at him was the only time because it wasn’t until I said it that I noticed that there were tons of families there and I regained enough control to not let that happen again.

I really wanted to rip this kid’s head off and was more than ready for him to throw a punch. Oddly enough he seemed non-violent even though I was hoping (to an extent) that he would be. We were built about the same and I was fired up enough that I felt that I could take hi mout without much effort. But it never got that far. I saw that he was shaking so much that he looked like he was gonna come apart at any minute. My outburst was enough to get rid of some of my adrenaline and calm me down some, and his responses to my questions were enough to clarify that there was more going on with this kid than him just needing an ass-kicking. I extended my hand to him and he shook it, and then asked for my permission for him to hit me. “You wanna hit me? That’s not gonna happen.” And he took a swing at me. A very weak and slow swing, but a swing nonetheless. I couldn’t believe how easy it was to stop him, and then convince him to walk with me to a bench. We walked toward the bend and I put my hand on his shoulder – to keep him at arm’s length from me in case he took another swing, and to try to let him know that I’m not out to get him.

We sat down and I put my hand back on his shoulder and I just tried talking to him. He was a miserable person but he couldn’t tell me why. And he kept asking me if he “looked normal” and if I knew of any other ways for him to kill himself. He never answered any questions about his family or friends, love life or employment… he just kept looking ahead. He tried to take another swing at me and, again, it was easy to stop. There didn’t seem to be any motivation behind it, or anything to trigger it. He just did it to do it. Several people were on the phone with the police while we were talking so I figured I had to just stay with him until they got there.

Some of you are probably wondering why the Hell I took it upon myself to stay with him at all. My answer is simple, even though it’s in the form of a question: can you imagine how terrible it would be to know that this kid (who said he was “25 or 26”) continued to jump in front of cars or jump off of a building because nobody else tried to stop him? There were easily over 100 people at that park and not one of them tried to do anything more than yell at him and call the police. Nobody went near him and tried to stop him from going in to traffic, so if I left what would have happened? I didn’t want to leave and find out. My conscious wouldn’t let me sleep if I did that. So I stayed.

After that second swing at me it was time to start walking again to keep him moving and distracted enough that he didn’t do anything stupid until the police got there. A few people told us that they were on their way and that we shouldn’t leave, so I told them that if they could just keep an eye on us as we walked then that would be great. In a few minutes they showed up and calmly talked to the guy but didn’t get any answers from him. From their questioning and his reactions the police and EMS gathered that he was on some kind of opiate due to his pupils being constricted. He was placed in handcuffs for his own protection and then I was questioned before being told that I could go. From start to finish the whole episode lasted about 20 minutes. The police took entirely too long to get there and for me to have to spend 15 minutes with this guy alone is ridiculous. Especially when you take in to consideration the location that it all took place where there are plenty of cops around all the time.

I’ve been distracted for a good part of today and all of last night after it happened. Last night was much worse than today and I’m thankful for that since I have a very hard time with letting things go. And I’m thanking God for a couple of things – 1) I didn’t run the kid over and won’t have that memory to deal with for the rest of my life 2) that nobody else that was there had to witness it happening either 3)the guy was placed in to custody and will hopefully get the help he needs. My thoughts on suicide may not go over well with some people who have known a loved one who have committed themselves to death, but one thing can not be argued: it’s a selfish act that hurts many more people than the one committing the act can comprehend. If I had killed that guy last night then I would have been haunted by it forever. Who knows how it would have affected the mothers and fathers and children in the area that saw it? Selfish.

Over a month ago I wrote about Steam and how they suspended my account with them over a charge that was accepted and then returned 6 weeks later. It took a lot of investigating on my part and CapitalOne's part with very little leeway from Steam to bend their policy.

The problem was with a transaction procedure that wasn't followed correctly on Steam's end that somehow raised a red flag with CapitalOne 6 weeks after the DLC expansion pack for the game Borderlands was made, and was then deemed fraudulent by CapitalOne. Weeks of going back and forth with CapitalOne got me nowhere and I was going to lose hundreds of dollars worth of games over a returned online purchase of $6.69.

After sending several letters to Steam support practically begging them to let me purchase the expansion pack again I was handed off to a second member of the support personnel. He informed me that he spoke to his supervisors and that they were going to allow me to make good on my intentions and attempt the purchase again. Screw CapitalOne, I just used my bankcard so that if there were an issue they would call and let e know rather than dispute the charge and not tell me. Turns out I was blaming the wrong people for the problem.

Several years ago during a heated conversation that I was having with an ex-girlfriend she told me that "no one will ever tolerate [me] the way that [she] does". Aside from the several other things that were said in the course of the fight this one statement really stood out. I never thought of myself as somewhat that needed to be tolerated in order to be with me. For several years I believed that I was so intolerable of a person that I was a burden as well. Well, here I am years later and I realize now that what that ex said to me was the biggest "fuck you" I think I've ever heard. The memory of that argument was stirred the other day at a work lunch when some of us were asking some personal questions. When two people that I work with stated that the most important attribute of their partner from their last relationship was that they were tolerant I got a little worked up.

Miriam-Webster's definition of tolerance:

1 : capacity to endure pain or hardship : endurance, fortitude, stamina
2 a : sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one's own b : the act of allowing something

After spending $14.50 to go see the latest 3D movie Clash of the Titans, I've decided that any tickets that I buy for 3D movies will not be purchased hastily. Or enthusiastically.

The 2010 remake of Clash of the Titans is nothing more than a reminder that some movies should be left alone to the original no matter how strong the casting. The hasty and last minute inclusion of the 3D version of this movie left me with the foresight to not be inclined to see the 3D version of any of the new movies coming out this year. Half of the film could have been viewed without the use of the special glasses and it would have had little effect on my viewing pleasure. Without the glasses the images are much brighter, more colorful, and even though they weren't as sharp (due to the 3D depth imaging) they were still very watchable.

With this recent 3D craze comes the promise of previously released movies that are getting converted to 3D and will eventually get re-released in to theaters to be seen at ridiculously high prices. New movies are way too expensive today as it is so paying to see an older one for the price of a new one is insane. I'm hoping that in a year or so people will tire of seeing all these gimmicky releases and 3D will become something special, not some over-priced cash call for the movie industry. With some luck it will fall by the wayside the same way smell-o-vision and percepto did.

This is gonna be a short one. I just need to say that all the vandalism and hateful acts on America's politicians are completely uncalled for and hypocritical of American citizens. The same American citizens that have a hatred for the terrorist acts carried out by extremists all over the world. We will surely tear ourselves apart if we keep up this pace. People may not be getting hurt or killed with tactics like placing a coffin on a politician's lawn or making death threats via phone calls and hate mail, but it's still terrorism. Shame on us, America.

Spring in San Diego really does me me feel alive. I live so close to Balboa Park that it's a quick walk to the Prado for some practice with my camera, good food, and to blend it like a tourist. And that's exactly how I spent this afternoon.



The Botanical Building is always nice to get out of the Sun and cool in the shade. I have little interest in flowers, but as photography subjects and with the lighting in there can make for some pretty interesting shots. It's also one of the free exhibits there so it's a must-see. Today I was looking for spiders and some different flowers to shoot and ended up with just a few plant shots instead.



I also love the talent that shows up there. Usually it's palm and tarot card readers, random musician that may or may not have talent, caricature artists, and food vendors along the main corridor where the museums are. On occasion you'll be presented with some real talented people, like Steam Powered Giraffe. They are a "Musical Pantomime Troupe" with a Steam Punk theme that are funny have some original and pleasant songs. They were really good. How they handled being in the Sun wearing all black and having their faces covered in makeup is beyond me. That's dedication.



If every day could be like this I wouldn't ever want to leave. I think the worst part of Balboa today was watching a woman who was wearing a dress that was too small and colorful for her adjust her panties by tugging at them through her dress. Snap! Snap! Ugh. Shudder.

2010 has been quite the year so far. Not in an outwardly recognizable good way (another way of saying it’s been shitty), but very possibly more than I realize. As in the past several years when I have made changes to my life out of necessity or out of choice, this year has not been any different. Though my changes this year may be closer to the third possibility which would be “choices out of necessity”. Doesn’t make sense? Just think about it, it’ll come to you.

These haven’t been easy decisions to come to especially because of the subjects: friends, loved ones, family, employment, and an overall look at my life situation. It’s never been easy for me to say “goodbye” to anyone and this year has not been any different. Out of self-preservation and desire for sanity I've abandoned two important people in my life already and it's only March – one because I don’t care enough, the other because I care entirely too much. Later this year I’ll probably be saying “see ya later” (as opposed to “goodbye”) to my two oldest friends – my best friend since college is moving to Japan, and another friend of 11 years might be moving to Colorado. My job has become more like a prison where I get paid instead of it feeling like an actual career. After 2009’s paycuts and lack of raises and bonuses I’ve felt that I need to leave. Add to the equation a lack of upward mobility and the answer is quite clear.

I can’t help but feel like a transplanted organ that’s been rejected by it’s new host. California has always felt like home to me, but it’s let me know in more ways than one that I don’t quite fit in here. San Diego is fantastic and to move someplace else is hard to imagine, though not not impossible. Orange County and Los Angeles are options, but I fit in to those places even less than San Diego. The people, the mentalities, the traffic, the expenses…shit, I just don’t know anymore.

When all of these things are added up it becomes evident that if I’m not going to adapt to how things are here then it might be time to move on. My job is fairly stable (I’ve survived ALL of my company’s layoffs since 9/11) and I’ve proven myself to be a commodity in my office. And now it seems to be the only thing keeping me here in San Diego. When someone you love wants nothing to do with you, your best friends are leaving, you’re in a job with no chance for advancement, and the whole state is going Hell then what’s left?

Time for a new adventure. The ball is rolling…

Steam Has Me Hot

At the beginning of March I wanted to play Borderlands, a game that is distributed by a company called Steam that also hosts many, many, many other games over the internet. The thing about Steam is that you have to hold an account with them in order to play their games. And for various reasons they can disable your account, close it, etc as they see fit.

On March 4^th I discovered that my account had been disabled for a reason that wasn’t clear to me so I had to submit a ticket to their support group and wait for an answer. Over a week later I was informed that my account was disabled because of a $6.69 expansion pack for Borderlands that I purchased back in December because CapitalOne disputed the charge, possibly because it looked suspicious. So it was up to me to close the dispute with CapitalOne and then have Steam charge the card again.

I didn’t realize at the time the scope of the problem. ALL of my games with Steam were non-transferable to another account and were therefore rendered worthless because a $6.69 dispute. Close to $400 in games collected of the years now worth absolutely nothing. They won’t charge another card, they won’t attempt to charge anything until I settle this with CapitalOne.

This morning I raised Hell with a CapitalOne dispute operator-whatever to obtain some sort of documentation that I could give to Steam to officially let them know that the dispute was dropped. Sometimes it DOES help to raise a little Hell and demand to speak to someone higher up. In 7-10 days I should have some sort of document to hand over to Steam to settle this and have them recharge my card in order to re-open my account, but I’m not holding my breath.

All I can say is that this is the most convoluted way of doing business. Hundreds of dollars of purchased games held hostage for less than $7. That includes games that I haven’t purchased online and hold the physical DVDs to and should be able to install anywhere when my account is in good standing. And it took 3 months for them to do this? Amazing.

I’ve never had a tremendous love for sports or sports-related activities, and even have somewhat of a dislike for those that are gung-ho about following them. But last night I was introduced to a sport that I might be able to get behind. I found myself getting really in to the event without even realizing what was happening to me.

error 404. That’s my name, and there’s a reason that I chose it as such. Here’s the history behind my name and you’ll get a little bit of my history and why I like to write about the things that I write about in the process.
All the way back in January, 1999 I was asked by my wife [at the time] for a separation and I unhappily gave to her. She had asked for one on a couple of other occasions and I refused to give it to her because I didn’t want my marriage to end in a divorce, something that I was sure would happen if we were to separate. To make a very long story short I’ll simply say that the separation did end up in a divorce over a year and a half later and I had become a statistic that I hadn’t dreamed of ever being at the age of 30. Divorced, broken and lost I had suddenly found myself without purpose or direction in my life.

Well, “suddenly” may not necessarily be accurate. During the separation I was perpetually moving from one place to another while my wife and I figured out what we were going to do. I moved out when I gave in to her wishes and moved in with my sister-in-law’s ex boyfriend. Erik was a friend of mine from college and he lived right down the street from me so the move was easy, and it also kept Lynn (said ex-wife) and I close so that we could try to work things out. But after 5 months of living there and a divorce inevitable I was forced to move once the lease was up. From there I moved in with my one and only “true friend” Bryan. He knew that I had to move and he offered to have me stay with him and his family rent-free until his folks moved to their new home and left us guys to our bachelor pad. I couldn’t refuse because I had known him for 15 years and he was my only friend left standing after my wreck of a marriage.

Bryan and I had been friends since high school and he was a year older than me, but he still lived at home with his mom, dad, and older brother. His family was a family of alcoholics who had only recently begun recovering from their various stage of addiction, and I had no idea that living there for the net five months was going to be as trying as it was. I don’t take part in illegal drugs and I very rarely drink, and that made for what I thought would be a good combination. As addicts, however, there tended to be a fair share of projecting that was aimed at me and the one time I came home with beer on my breath was grounds for kicking me out. Well, almost. Bryan stood up for me and told them that I wasn’t drunk so he saved me. There was another incident where they thought that I was smoking pot and was trying to hide it with scented candles. I don’t know what happened there, but whatever.

The final straw to that friendship was a misunderstanding over money. Things ended tragically and on the day that I was to start paying rent I was going to end up homeless. Bryan kicked me out and I moved what I could in to a storage facility until the next morning. For two nights I stayed at my grandparents home until I could move in to the basement of my coworker’s townhouse. I resided in that basement for two weeks as I tried to recover from the loss of the last friend that I had, and that was a very hard two weeks.

Eventually I moved in to the master bedroom in a townhouse a couple of miles away, and maintained my close proximity to Lynn and our dogs. It was an uneasy friendship that we maintained, but it ended up being just fine. This move turned out to be the fifth move that I made in less than a year and people were quickly losing track of where I was. My family were joking that I’m trying to hide my address from them because I’ve moved so much. Nobody could find me and my only constant source of communication was my cell phone. I felt misplaced and totally transient because I was so lost in my sense of direction and purpose. One day when I was on the internet I came across the frequent “error 404: not found” page and all I could do was smile and say out loud, “that figures”. ‘Not found’, just like me”. From then on that was my name

After moving to California a few years later that name and the reason for getting it in the first place still hold true. The longest that I’ve lived in any one place out here has been just under three years, the shortest amount being 7 months. The average is about a year in any one place and I am currently in a place that I will likely be in for some time. With any luck it will be until I get a girlfriend that I’ve fallen in love with and can’t wait to move in with. With any more luck that will happen some time within the net year or two. That is far less likely than getting struck by lightning on a clear winter day in the desert.

As time moves on and 2010 becomes shittier and shittier I find myself wanting to become more and more like an actual “not found” individual. Deleting myself from all known social networks that I’m a part of and changing all existing emails, phone numbers, and AKA’s seems so welcoming.